The Self -Compassion Break can be used any time things are upsetting, whether it be at work, in relationship, a conflict, a painful situation.

If at all possible it is important to briefly remove yourself from the situation (even if for a few minutes)(even if done in the privacy of the restroom.) During the self compassion break it is necessary to put the "story " of what happened on hold. Then you will soothe your upset state by validating your emotions.

Then,  acknowledge to yourself that "this is really hard right now." Hear and validate yourself first. Accept and care for yourself first. This will help de-escalate your emotional reactivity to the situation and put yourself into a more peaceful state of mind.
 I have found this to be quite helpful and validating of my own feelings and experiences.  I find that with practice comes a great deal of self soothing and I automatically switch into this way of thinking when I am upset.  See what you think.

Self-Compassion Break-
steps:
1)  put 1 or 2 hands over your heart or another place on your body that is soothing.(by doing this we remember to be kind to ourselves)
You might say to yourself "this is a moment of suffering." (Here we acknowledge mindfully that we are suffering.)
2) Say to yourself- "suffering is a part of life" (Here we acknowledge our common humanity.)
3) Affirm: May I be kind to myself. (Here we acknowledge the additude of self compassion)

This exercise from:
"Self Compassion: stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind"  by Kristin Neff, PH.D ;2011
Other resources on Self Care/Self Compassion:
Trauma Stewardship- An everyday guide to caring for self while caring for others-
 by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky
The Giving Tree- Shel Silverstein
Self care for Caregivers- Pat Samples

What about the idea of “self compassion”? Research on Self Compassion  by psychologist, and pioneer : Kristin Neff, Ph. D (University of Texas/Austin)
has concluded that:

People who are compassionate to themselves are much less likely to be anxious, depressed, and stressed.  Rather, they are more likely to be happier, more optimistic about their futures, and more resilient!

On the other hand, when we utilize self-criticism, our body perceives this as danger, and automatically reacts.  Our body goes into the “ fight or flight response” where our amygdala (the oldest part of our brain) prepares for the perceived threat. The amygdala signals the body and the following happen: our blood pressure is increased, adrenaline and the hormone cortisol containing the potential strength and energy needed to deal with the danger are produced.

Neff’s research indicates that generating feelings of self compassion actually lowers our cortisol.  An increase in feelings of safety, feeling cared for, increases a persons ability to be more open and flexible to their environment, or changes in their environment.

The person who is able to learn to give compassion to self, becomes significantly less defensive. “ Self compassion provides emotional strength and resilience allowing us to openly admit our shortcomings, forgive ourselves, and be more fully human.”

When we “soothe our painful feelings with the healing balm of self compassion, not only are we changing our mental and emotional experience, we are also changing our body chemistry.”

According to Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer (also from University of Texas/Austin) Self compassion can be learned by anyone, even those who did not learn affection in childhood. Even if they feel uncomfortable when they are good to themselves.

Self Compassion practiced regularly by yourself, or with a small group of trusted friends or colleagues will create positive changes in our bodies chemistry, in our behaviour, and more positivity in our lens to the world.


Next week: how to practice self compassion when things go wrong in our daily life.

. 
Self care should not be a luxury, but a priority.  Self care has to do with thinking and then doing.  Anything and everything (no matter how silly it may seem) that makes you feel good, considered, taken care of, relaxed, peaceful, loved. Of course your time is precious and choosing a plan that is realistic for your schedule is important. Some of you may feel that you have too much going on in your life to do this. Try it, and see that you will feel better- and can manage better after gifting yourself with this promise.

After you’ve had some time to think and make a plan write it down and promise yourself to make some time to follow through this month. If you are juggling kids, work, family responsibility, perhaps caring for an elderly parent? Its essential to make this time for yourself at least once a month or once every other month. Preferrably more frequently if possible.

Some examples might be treat yourself to a massage, mani-pedi, bubble bath with candles, soft music and cup of your favorite herbal tea*, a great book* or magazine, yoga, meditation and cookies*, a long walk, visit to a place that feels good to be near (forest, hiking trail, park, near a stream…) Spend the afternoon at a movie you’ve been aching to see with a treat of popcorn, stay home in your pj’s and enjoy your favorite comfort foods, call a friend who you’ve lost touch with to reconnect, dance, draw, sing, spend time with a favorite pet, enjoy the company of a friend, watch the stars on a cool crisp night with a thermos of hot chocolate, bake, buy a box of crayola crayons and let your imagination go, or one of those paint with water books, go to the dollar store with 5 dollars and buy yourself a treasure, curl up near the fire with a great book…

The possibilities are unlimited… will cost you some time, but will reward you with more energy, strength,contentment, and love to hold or pass on in abundance to others.


*Responses from my Sept. 2013  OSEB  (www.oseb.ca) intake class.

Its February. Month of predictable snow, and increasingly longer daylight hours. Month of cupids, red hearts, passion, roses, and love. We are “gently” or not so gently encouraged to purchase tokens, gifts that make statements about our feelings to our loved ones.  To give something to someone we care about.  A nice sentiment for some- under appreciated by others.   What about the idea of giving to ourselves?

Have you ever considered the idea of giving yourself the gift of self care and compassion? in our society self-criticism is rampant and frequently becomes a sacred path to success. We rarely consider offering ourselves kindness.  Women instinctively care for their families, loved ones, others, and sometimes automatically think of the others and their needs.  Many were taught that thinking or considering self is “selfish”, “narcissistic”, “self indulgent” “self centered” and a variety of other critical adjectives.  So it makes sense that thinking about self care, or self compassion may feel strange an uncomfortable.

By consciously choosing to use self care practices we are taking the initial steps to strengthen and nourish ourselves so that we share the very best of ourselves with those we care for; our clients, colleagues, and families.  If we can take the time and energy to care for ourselves not only will we feel better and have more to give others, we will be better able to handle stress.

 One of my favorite teachers and authors; Pema Chodron states this simply and beautifully: “what you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you do for others, your doing for yourself."


Soon- Friday February 14, 2014: “the Self Care Promise”