We are not trained to make euthanasia decisions. Most people have little or no experience even thinking about, or discussing the idea of letting an animal die by this process.

When a veterinarian brings up the idea of euthanasia for a very ill, elderly, or injured pet you might find yourself cringing, in an effort to "protect" yourself from even the thought of choosing to say goodbye to your beloved pet. The idea of actually planning a time and place for the death may throw you into a state of confusion, denial, shock, depression, or anger.

Making a euthanasia decision takes courage and trust - for you,, your beloved animal, and your veterinarian. Remember there is unfortunately no perfect answer, no perfect timing or solution. It  is not a simple issue. You need to take the time necessary to think about things and be  respectful of your animals health and wellbeing.  

You know your pet

You have the closest relationship with your pet and know what matters to them in their life.

Think about their joys, what makes them content. Watch them closely. If your pet loves to be close to you and enjoys long walks and becomes distant and is unable to walk - take this into consideration. If your pet enjoys catting around the neighborhood and no longer seems to be interested in going outdoors take this into consideration. If your animal companion loves to eat and then loses interest in eating take this into consideration.

Watch for changes, signs, listen to your own heart, but also listen to your head. Gather up the courage to unselfishly allow your beloved to pass on before a time when pain and suffering compromise them. Try your best to make this decision to unconditionally love them and give them the chance to move on... as they would want you to.

Listen to the physiological effects and medical condition of your pet: ask questions and obtain as much information as you can from your veterinarian, through personal research, and take this information into consideration.

Finally, recognize that animals do not have the same experience of time that humans have. For example, if you go on holiday and leave your pet in care, when you return they have not been calculating how long you have been gone. They are only happy to be with you again. For them time is fluid and they are  present in the moment, not before nor after.

Animals grieve too.

If there are other animals in your pet’s life , they will be aware of changes, and will be aware of the loss.  Make sure you let them know that their friend has moved on, if possible have them present at the euthanasia. They may show very little interest at the time, but will be aware that their housemate or friend is no longer around. Sometimes, the death of one animal in the house will affect the behaviours of another animal. The hierarchy of dominance may change or the animal(s) that are left will go through a noticeable period of grieving.

Take good care

Taking care of yourself before, during, and after the death is essential. Provide yourself with a comforting and supportive environment if possible. Eat soft, easily digestible foods, (especially if you are not hungry) (i.e., applesauce, yogurt, mac and cheese) and make sure you keep yourself warm. You may find that your body temperature is changing and you are cold more often. Snuggle with a warm quilt or blanket.

Understand that you may not feel like being very social, going out to parties or events where alot of energy is required.  You may choose to be around people who "get" the pain of your loss, and understand that you are grieving.

Attending a Pet Loss Support Group in person or online may provide you with support from people who understand and have been through, or are going through similar experiences.  

Many people have not had the privilege of loving  an animal, and are not aware of the unconditional love that comes with an animal-human bond, thus the excruciating and pure loss of an animal companion.

Finally, remember that grief is a process and must be honoured with patience for yourself as you take the time you need. Be as respectful and conscious as you can during this difficult time.


Debra Rimmer, MSSW, RSW Owner/director: Compassion Wise

Compassion Wise offers professional counselling and support before, during, and following the loss of your beloved pet. www.compassionwise.com  

Debra Rimmer, a registered Social Worker, deeply honours the human-animal bond. She has been an animal lover and a supporter of animal-related organizations throughout her life. She has shared the life journeys of many animals including difficult euthanasia decisions for her  beloved pets.

Professionally, she has worked with many individuals, couples, and families who are grieving the loss of a beloved pet. She has assisted animal care shelters with euthanasia sensitivity support, and veterinary office teams with compassion fatigue, relaxation, and stress management care. Additionally, following the loss of her beloved labrador, she saw the need for support created and facilitated the Pet Loss Support Group in Austin, Texas, USA for 12 + years.

The Self -Compassion Break can be used any time things are upsetting, whether it be at work, in relationship, a conflict, a painful situation.

If at all possible it is important to briefly remove yourself from the situation (even if for a few minutes)(even if done in the privacy of the restroom.) During the self compassion break it is necessary to put the "story " of what happened on hold. Then you will soothe your upset state by validating your emotions.

Then,  acknowledge to yourself that "this is really hard right now." Hear and validate yourself first. Accept and care for yourself first. This will help de-escalate your emotional reactivity to the situation and put yourself into a more peaceful state of mind.
 I have found this to be quite helpful and validating of my own feelings and experiences.  I find that with practice comes a great deal of self soothing and I automatically switch into this way of thinking when I am upset.  See what you think.

Self-Compassion Break-
steps:
1)  put 1 or 2 hands over your heart or another place on your body that is soothing.(by doing this we remember to be kind to ourselves)
You might say to yourself "this is a moment of suffering." (Here we acknowledge mindfully that we are suffering.)
2) Say to yourself- "suffering is a part of life" (Here we acknowledge our common humanity.)
3) Affirm: May I be kind to myself. (Here we acknowledge the additude of self compassion)

This exercise from:
"Self Compassion: stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind"  by Kristin Neff, PH.D ;2011
Other resources on Self Care/Self Compassion:
Trauma Stewardship- An everyday guide to caring for self while caring for others-
 by Laura Van Dernoot Lipsky
The Giving Tree- Shel Silverstein
Self care for Caregivers- Pat Samples

What about the idea of “self compassion”? Research on Self Compassion  by psychologist, and pioneer : Kristin Neff, Ph. D (University of Texas/Austin)
has concluded that:

People who are compassionate to themselves are much less likely to be anxious, depressed, and stressed.  Rather, they are more likely to be happier, more optimistic about their futures, and more resilient!

On the other hand, when we utilize self-criticism, our body perceives this as danger, and automatically reacts.  Our body goes into the “ fight or flight response” where our amygdala (the oldest part of our brain) prepares for the perceived threat. The amygdala signals the body and the following happen: our blood pressure is increased, adrenaline and the hormone cortisol containing the potential strength and energy needed to deal with the danger are produced.

Neff’s research indicates that generating feelings of self compassion actually lowers our cortisol.  An increase in feelings of safety, feeling cared for, increases a persons ability to be more open and flexible to their environment, or changes in their environment.

The person who is able to learn to give compassion to self, becomes significantly less defensive. “ Self compassion provides emotional strength and resilience allowing us to openly admit our shortcomings, forgive ourselves, and be more fully human.”

When we “soothe our painful feelings with the healing balm of self compassion, not only are we changing our mental and emotional experience, we are also changing our body chemistry.”

According to Kristin Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer (also from University of Texas/Austin) Self compassion can be learned by anyone, even those who did not learn affection in childhood. Even if they feel uncomfortable when they are good to themselves.

Self Compassion practiced regularly by yourself, or with a small group of trusted friends or colleagues will create positive changes in our bodies chemistry, in our behaviour, and more positivity in our lens to the world.


Next week: how to practice self compassion when things go wrong in our daily life.

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Self care should not be a luxury, but a priority.  Self care has to do with thinking and then doing.  Anything and everything (no matter how silly it may seem) that makes you feel good, considered, taken care of, relaxed, peaceful, loved. Of course your time is precious and choosing a plan that is realistic for your schedule is important. Some of you may feel that you have too much going on in your life to do this. Try it, and see that you will feel better- and can manage better after gifting yourself with this promise.

After you’ve had some time to think and make a plan write it down and promise yourself to make some time to follow through this month. If you are juggling kids, work, family responsibility, perhaps caring for an elderly parent? Its essential to make this time for yourself at least once a month or once every other month. Preferrably more frequently if possible.

Some examples might be treat yourself to a massage, mani-pedi, bubble bath with candles, soft music and cup of your favorite herbal tea*, a great book* or magazine, yoga, meditation and cookies*, a long walk, visit to a place that feels good to be near (forest, hiking trail, park, near a stream…) Spend the afternoon at a movie you’ve been aching to see with a treat of popcorn, stay home in your pj’s and enjoy your favorite comfort foods, call a friend who you’ve lost touch with to reconnect, dance, draw, sing, spend time with a favorite pet, enjoy the company of a friend, watch the stars on a cool crisp night with a thermos of hot chocolate, bake, buy a box of crayola crayons and let your imagination go, or one of those paint with water books, go to the dollar store with 5 dollars and buy yourself a treasure, curl up near the fire with a great book…

The possibilities are unlimited… will cost you some time, but will reward you with more energy, strength,contentment, and love to hold or pass on in abundance to others.


*Responses from my Sept. 2013  OSEB  (www.oseb.ca) intake class.

Its February. Month of predictable snow, and increasingly longer daylight hours. Month of cupids, red hearts, passion, roses, and love. We are “gently” or not so gently encouraged to purchase tokens, gifts that make statements about our feelings to our loved ones.  To give something to someone we care about.  A nice sentiment for some- under appreciated by others.   What about the idea of giving to ourselves?

Have you ever considered the idea of giving yourself the gift of self care and compassion? in our society self-criticism is rampant and frequently becomes a sacred path to success. We rarely consider offering ourselves kindness.  Women instinctively care for their families, loved ones, others, and sometimes automatically think of the others and their needs.  Many were taught that thinking or considering self is “selfish”, “narcissistic”, “self indulgent” “self centered” and a variety of other critical adjectives.  So it makes sense that thinking about self care, or self compassion may feel strange an uncomfortable.

By consciously choosing to use self care practices we are taking the initial steps to strengthen and nourish ourselves so that we share the very best of ourselves with those we care for; our clients, colleagues, and families.  If we can take the time and energy to care for ourselves not only will we feel better and have more to give others, we will be better able to handle stress.

 One of my favorite teachers and authors; Pema Chodron states this simply and beautifully: “what you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you do for others, your doing for yourself."


Soon- Friday February 14, 2014: “the Self Care Promise”

Holidays…..Moving from overwhelmed with stress, anger, and exhaustion
to surviving and thriving with peace and compassion.


For many people the holidays are overflowing with expectations... from finding the “right” gifts, feeling “joyful”, accepting invitations to parties where food and alcohol are abundant, focus on families, visiting family drama, dynamics, or revisiting the painful thought that there is no family.  

Waiting on long lines… stuck….. in traffic, at the stores, climbing over people to grab the bargains, stuff..and more stuff… increasing amounts of noise, bells ringing on steeples, out side of supermarkets, collecting coins... horns honking… carolers singing in malls, on streets, in churches….. all reminders of having, not having,...... enough, the right kind, fitting in, feeling the right things…. exhausting… stressful and tiring.

For those people who have recently lost a loved one or pet the first holiday can be particularly painful without them. The holidays may bring back the return of raw emotions of the loss and day to day life in a swirling world surrounded by “merriness and brightness”just doesn’t seem to fit how you are feeling inside. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the grief and loss. Its o.k. not to be merry or bright right now.   Stay warm, have plenty of easy to digest, soft and nutritious foods around (soup, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes,applesauce) and find a quiet place to remember and allow yourself to feel your emotions.  Be authentic with yourself.

Perhaps if we slow down and look inside ourselves we can be realistic about how the holidays have affected us in the past, plan ahead, and be empowered to create todays version of the holidays=  ie)Avoid traffic, stay away from the malls, leave early, pack a lunch and choose a place to sit instead of waiting on a line. Avoid situations or people who bother you, remember to set limits on the events you attend.  Don’t force yourself to be happy if you are not feeling happy. If spending too much on gifts created too much anxiety and angst about money in the past then try spending and owing less.  If you were disgusted with yourself for eating too much”junk” make a conscious decision to celebrate with only a few of your favorite treats and snack on veggies or fruits.

After clearing away all of the distractions I reconnect with the idea that the holidays can be a joyful time of giving, a time to help others, a time to listen, taking the time to notice others. How can we simplify the giving part so that we reduce our stress and increase our feelings of peace, satisfaction, and appreciation?

You can Create new rituals to celebrate the season without spending much money. Perhaps helping with dinner at one of the local shelters? Spending time with a senior who is alone? or giving out home baked cookies and sandwiches on the street down at the market?  Perhaps paying it forward in kindness?  or apologizing when you hurt someone? or have a misunderstanding?  Use your world, the environment, to nurture yourself as well- go for a long walk, sit quietly and listen to your favorite music, breathe deeply, watch children playing, take pictures of peoples expressions, or of something beautiful, play with a cute dog, look into the eyes of someone new, create a new song of celebration, attend a holiday service where the congregation is warm and loving, spend time with an old friend,  be kind to a lonely person, or pet. Make cards, candles or soaps… write a poem, or draw a picture, make a collage of holiday wishes from old magazines and cards..

May you create a holiday that you can appreciate and enjoy!